Dear Grandkids…

Dear Grandkids….

Dear Grandkids,

Hey you, How you doin’? Don’t tell me that you haven’t heard of this phrase before. I would’ve been a bad grandfather if you didn’t, or rather, I did not influence you to watch the greatest sitcom of the turn of the century * I am not sure if that phrase is right , but the heck, I am talking to my grandkids, to hell with being grammatically correct. That is not the point, the point is, how are you? You good? ( please insert some other pointless pleasantries and niceties.)

So that’s that, now where should I begin? I was/is a blogger, a shoddy one at that though, that is at the time I was writing you this letter, or whatever this is. Sounds corny? No? Meh. Anyway, If I am probably still alive, which I am, in around my seventies though, I definitely wouldn’t want you asking me questions, but maybe I would, you know, because people always say that in old age you derive the most joy from passing on your memories kosokoso, so I might just tell you the story of How I Met your Grandmother, wink wink wink. Trust me, that shit is going to be epic. I have probably mailed this to myself when I’m old, in addition to blogging about it in my time, so if I call you at random or text you or hologram you or whatever, its probably you bring me my batch of tasteless sugar, or sugarless ice cream, or tell you to show me how the latest tech works because I am too tired to Google that stuff for myself( side question, Is Google still there? Are people still tweeting or Twitter is like what Facebook is today? Just for old people?) ; or I could just be teasing you, you know, like when I call you then pretend that I have forgotten what I wanted to say, no, scratch that. I will definitely call you and then have selective amnesia; or real amnesia, whichever the case, I would have forgotten something. Sounds badass for an 80- year old, but when I call you, You FREAKING AS HELL better come!!! Or I’ll make your mum punish you. Oh God, I am going to be a very manipulative grandpa, no?

Let’s sit down and I’ll read you stories of the mighty Thor, and how Thanos beat him up!

I have no specific point to tell you but that I have buried some treasure at certain coordinates-you know, the type of treasure that has Captain Hook’s eye. Get it? You don’t do puns? I am so disappointed. I will whoop your parents’ behinds. That isn’t negotiable. If you don’t do puns, tell me that you can do pans then. Not pansexual type, but chef type. The easiest way to a person’s heart is through his stomach-plus utawakunywa na kuwakula wote if you know how to cook. Get this one IJN!!!!!! That was good though.

I don’t want to be the sulking grandpa and give you wise sayings and all that crap. All I can tell you is start working on your pick up lines. Your great great grandpa was Barney Stinson, and guess who his mentor was? Joey Tribbiani! Lest I forget Howard Wolowitz. That is an elite combo even if you didn’t ask me. Reminds me of my playbook- Yes, you thought right, I have one. I had help curating it but it is worth millions now, given you still use paper cash, or any cash as a measure of wealth. I will talk to you about girls later on, everything about them, but for now, just know that there are a whole lot of girls out there and if you have been heartbroken already, that is not the end. You know The Book of Ralph? From the 2020 series, The Flash? I have the Book of Lesley, ask your dad of it. I probably gave it to him when I was done with dating.

My Time

Was that a blank slate? Well, I have no pics but will take some for you though. I will show you when you come of age.

You want to know about my time? Let’s make this quick then. As the grandson of a Pastor, churches were a big deal then, and we had Bible Studies each and every day, I won’t pressure you to be born again, get saved , become an atheist, a Muslim, or any other religion that there is. Get all the facts and all the theories you want and then make your own decision. My grandmother(s) would kill me if they heard me say this, but then you probably have had an alien interaction in your time and you most likely reasoned out that there are other civilizations out there and if there is, that would mean that the whole 7-day-one-earth-creation theory would have some pretty big holes, the whole concept of the Bible will be tested.

We had this huge, huge deal of a disease called Covid-19 that threatened us all. Did I get that right? Oh Crap! I can’t do this, the memes made it easier. It was just a disease with a PR team that worked 24/7. I was part of it before I got fired. Anyway, we got vaccinated and that shit blew down. It was a huge cover up that helped introverts though- we had a legit excuse not to hang out with people. I was during the lockdown that I did some pretty stupid stuff, but I’ll tell you about that another day. The only meaningful stuff I did was to get a music taste, I don’t even think I can describe it yet. Okay, let me try. Picture this, an all you can eat buffet. That’s it. It is trash and pure gold. Drake said it perfectly, It will get in Your Feelings.

The greatest (from my view) advance in space exploration was the trip to Mars, or rather, exploration to Mars. If I haven’t yet gone to Mars or the Moon by the time you read this, please unplug my oxygen tank ASAP.

I wrote a book! Or books! Get your girlfriend a copy, or copies of greatness.

Drugs, blah blah blah, use some but don’t let them use you.

Sex and STIs, use your head you fool. The upper head though. The one used for thinking. Thinking about important stuff- I mean, aaaaaargh!!! The one with hair. Alright, you know what? I am going to stop typing now.

Anything else? I don’t think so. Oh, wait. If they ever find a way to reverse death, let me stay dead. Haha. I think I have had enough of earth for now, unless time travel is real- which I know it isn’t because you would have already comeback in time and we would have a chat or you’d have left some hints; or you can travel through space, you know, Guardians of The Galaxy style. You have my blessing to resurrect me but under those two conditions ONLY. Or when my ice cream company has come up with a new flavour.

You have my permission to resurrect me when this is real!

We will talk in depth later, now go and do what you normally do. Don’t tell anyone that you are my favourite. * Wink*

Till we meet at the delivery room,

Yours full of wisdom and stupidity,

Grandpa Lee.